Surrendering- an update

I told you back in the first part of October about my struggle with muscle spams/seizures and acknowledging that I have pushed too hard for too long. If you missed it you can read my blog pot here :SURRENDER

Well, here I am now in the end of November still learning more about resting in HIM. I wish I could say that I am “better” but I'm not. I have seen a few specialists and still receive treatment but my seizures are strong and are still occurring several times a week.  Church, work and large groups seem to make it worse. I try to explain it to people to think of my brain like a computer. When you open too many windows at once your computer gets overloaded and it crashes. When I have too many things going on {sounds,thoughts, things to be done} I crash and my crash is a seizure.

Some days I get down and I feel hopeless. I worry if this will ever go away or will I always have this. My life has changed pretty rapidly and I don't do or go to the same things I did before. I'm scared to go out and I'm afraid of having one in public. It is so embarrassing when it happens. For those of you who have happened to watch one, they are not pretty and ugh I am one sore girl! Most days though I try to remain optimistic. I know that whatever happens God has this. I am going to be okay. In the future I may have to make some life changes or I may not. Regardless, I am going to choose to trust HIM. After all, I could let doubt and fear rule my life but ain’t nobody got time foh dat!

Funny thing here. ..The one place I have not had a seizure is at a Noonday Show.  I really think that is because it is so passionate to me and the Lord allows me to use that as a way of sharing my love of fair trade and empowerment to others. I can’t do much but he is allowing me this one thing.

The more I learn about this struggle and my non-epileptic seizures the more I am astonished at the human brain and its capacity to re-generate. Like did you know that your brain creates a new pathway each time it forms a memory or that it has 100 billion nerve cells. How miraculous is it that God was able to knit together all these tiny synapses and neurotransmitters to send all the million messages back and forth all at once! Wow- that is like cray cray. 

We may not know what is going on inside my brain that causes it to “shut down” but I am going to choose to continue to be in awe of it all. 

         Until next time, 

                     Amanda 

Dear me...

I'm starting a blog series with what I wish I would have known. I think to much we look towards the future and forget the past. So here is the first one, written to the elementary age me.

Surrender

I'm laying it out there. Putting it all on the table. A no hold bars moment. 

                               

                                  (This is my 24+ hours of solo flying across the globe 

                                        but also my keepin' it real face) 

                                 

Many years I have wrestled with God for control. There is this deep instinct, this naturalistic desire within me to be in charge. I want control. I want to make the decisions and make my life fit into a nice little box where everything is in the right place. I want to make the rules and be the leader. Life should be what I want it to be, right? I work hard, I deserve it. 

The past few weeks have been brutal and eye opening at the same time. I spent several days in the hospital for muscle spasms/seizures and anxiety. My brain had basically had enough and when it gets overloaded or full it decided to shut off. It does this by sending messages to my body that cause convulsions/tremors aka seizures. No,  I don't have a tumor or epilepsy but if I did it would not change who I still am. What I DO have is a brain that wants control and is so very tired of trying to make everything "work". 

Why am I putting this all out there? Because I didn't choose this and I certainly don't choose to have these seizures or anxiety. As a culture, we don't talk about our imperfections. We can talk about our diabetes or our cancer but we don't talk about our mental health. I'm not crazy or having a mental break down...my brain has created a pathway to function after constant months of continued over exertion and it happens to be seizures. 

I have no idea how long this will last or if it will ever fully go away. Research says 20% of all seizures are this kind and with early diagnosis and therapy individuals have a good prognoses for overcoming. It's all about learning to manage. 

If you happen to run into me on one of my rare out of the house adventures and you ask me questions I will do my best but please understand it is difficult for me, but I appreciate your concern for me. It warms my heart to know that people care. 

So what am I doing? I am giving it up to God. I am tired of trying to make my life "happen". I love the quote from Jennie Allen in restless ..."for years I spent chasing uncatchable wind and built homes on sand until I finally notices, the wind never stops escaping us and the sand never stops shifting." After a life of chasing the wind I am going to stop running after it! 

                                                 

 

Instead of constant doing and going, I am learning what it means to rest. To really truly put my faith in him. I have taken baby steps and he has given me opportunities like in my marriage, blending a family, work and adoption. But now I have no choice. I am giving it to him. I'm not running anymore, I'm resting in HIM. 

Matthew 11:28-29 

           "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest".

Fall Styling Tips and my first ever Noonday Collection GIVEAWAY!!!

Hi there cyber world! 

Today I am jumping on the blogger train as part of the Noonday Fall  Release. During a blog train, various ambassadors get to share their favorites from the new fall line and YOU have the chance to enter to earn free Noonday!

  Each day a blog {or two} are posted and each blog has a giveaway!  Check out Marijoy Horton's blog and Erin Stark's blog for the previous days post. 

  

Coming up !

If you haven't seen yet, Noonday Collection has launched their
                        NEW FALL 2014 COLLECTION!

www.amandacollins.noondaycollection.com 

I'll be talking about styling with the new line next week!
{Tuesday the 26th to be exact!} I will share my personal favorites, new arm parties, budget friendly options and a few looks for a variety of style tastes - so keep an eye out!

By the way - do you like FREE Accessories?

Well, if you do, stay tuned for my next blog post, because I'll be giving away

 a $50 Noonday Collection Gift Voucher!

Also, follow the Noonday blog train for even more stories, styling and giveaways! 

Here's a fellow ambassador from yesterday!

             -Amanda 

Growth in the hardest of times

 Sitting here yet again in another waiting room of the emergency room waiting for a surgeon. 

I am reminded of my time with Gene just a few years ago that really was the catalyst to our adoption. My husband went from a healthy, active man to a very sick just barely missed death kinda man in a matter of hours. I watched as he deteriorated before my eyes and would drift in and out of consciousness because his pain was so great. 10 days later I brought him home, being as careful with him as I did when our babies were newborns. 

God choose to use those days to show us how important family is and how precious life can be. It grew us closer and our family has not been the same since. We all had to lean on God and trust in his plan for our lives. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."  

            -Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV  

In times like these, where I feel myself scared and afraid and unsure, I am CHOOSING to lean on HIM. I am CHOOSING to trust in his plan. I am opening my heart to what God is teaching us through this. Not at a trial of faith or a justification of our belief. I think God allows things to happen in the world because he set it in motion and we have free will. However, I do believe that he uses those experience to grow us closer to him and allow us to trust him. My anxiety and fear struggle are real. It is HARD, and I mean HARD some days. That darkness peaking through my consciousness. 

But, i had a wise woman once tell me not to long ago ...God doesn't want you to suffer, what he wants is you to trust him. He wants to pull you into a relationship closer with him...

So here I am, drawing nearer to him. Trying my best to stay focused on HIM so I can be there for my husband rather than be consumed with fear. And this song keeps playing in my mind.

An expert from Dennis Jernigan's  It's gonna be alright.  

It's gonna be alright here

If you will let Me hold your heart near

I'll even use your sorrows

To teach You how to love Me

It's gonna be alright, child

I'll hold you really close and tight child

I'll even use Your woundings

To help you know more of Me

Hear Me. I am calling,

"Child, come falling deeper in love with Me."

Trust Me, you must let go

Or you will never know any deeper love in Me

          http://www.dennisjernigan.com

                                   

    

A Reflection on the tragic death of Robin Williams

Actors, , musicians, scientists, congressmen, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters. All died too soon because of a thing called suicide. It leaves a void where a person use to be. A loss in another's world. And it happens all too often. 

Suicide is due to an underlying cause of depression, anxiety or other mental illness. As a counselor, I have worked with this for many years and seen first hand the struggles and the affect. This can be situational like a divorce or loss of a job, but it can also be a chemical imbalance in the brain. You don't choose it and you don't cause it, it simply is. 

This thing called Depression. It can consume you and take away all the things you love. Then adding Anxiety, that overwhelming feeling of loosing control and the world falling in on itself and the depression compounds. 

 I know because I too have struggled. Now, I am not going to share my inner most feelings and issues here because:

         1.that's something you do with whom you love and trust over a good cup of tea and tissues 

             NOT on a public blog 

          2.you are not a therapist 

          3.they are mine and we each have our own thing we are dealing with. 

But what I do want you to know is what it feels like. This is my own experience as well as those I have heard in my eight years of working in mental health....

Anxiety puts you in a place of panic. Things are spiraling out of control and you can't seem to think how to stop it. Life becomes overhwhelming and scary. You can't focus and you can't think and then you just want to explode. You feel like your not you anymore, but you can't figure out how to feel normal again. Every day you struggle to remain calm but things continue to build up. It builds and builds filling you, making your nerves tense,your heart rate speed, your hot and cold and you can't stop the panic feeling welling up inside. You feel so out of control. 

Depression feels like a deep sadness in the pit of your stomach. You fake it by smiling and laughing but you really don't want to smile or laugh. Each day is a new task of pretending your happy when you really feel like just crawling in a whole.  You begin to loose interest in the things you once loved to do. It's like someone turned out the lights on life and everythg feels dark and lonely. The motivation starts seeping out of you and before you know it, nothing seems interesting. This deep sadness grows in your stomach and begins to take hold. The world is now dark and and you feel all alone in this empty space. 

When you are in that place of darkness and dispair you just want out. The weight of the work is so heavy and sucks you down into this black pit of existence. Then you spiral deeper and deeper into this darkness and you feel as if it will never end. You don't want to even keep trying. Your done and you just want it to stop. 

This is where suicide indiation rears it's ugly head. You don't want to die, you just want it to end. Your tired of the pain of dispair and the lack of hope. You want it to stop and you want to be done. 

It's a myth that if you talk to someone that is contemplating suicide that will cause them to do it. In fact, talking about it can sometimes stop a person from attempting suicide. Most times the person contemplating suicide really just wants to stop hurting and doesn't see any other way. 

 If you or someone you know is struggling with these feelings. Help them get connected. A therapist, a physician, a pastor. Sometimes therapy can be an aide but other times is may be necessary for medication to aide in balancing the brain chemistry. The key is knowing you are not along and that there are people who love you and care about you. There is a life past this darkness. Group therapy can also be helpful in dealing with these thoughts and feelings. Take some self care steps. Start journaling the thoughts that don't seem to stop. Tell someone. Stop the stigma of mental health. No one chooses to have a mental illness and having one does not define who YOU are it is simply part of your health just like diabeties or cancer.  The suicide hotline at: tel:1-800-273-TALK is also another good resource. 

Reach out, be Jesus with skin on because you never know what someone maybe dealing with.