I'm laying it out there. Putting it all on the table. A no hold bars moment.
Many years I have wrestled with God for control. There is this deep instinct, this naturalistic desire within me to be in charge. I want control. I want to make the decisions and make my life fit into a nice little box where everything is in the right place. I want to make the rules and be the leader. Life should be what I want it to be, right? I work hard, I deserve it.
The past few weeks have been brutal and eye opening at the same time. I spent several days in the hospital for muscle spasms/seizures and anxiety. My brain had basically had enough and when it gets overloaded or full it decided to shut off. It does this by sending messages to my body that cause convulsions/tremors aka seizures. No, I don't have a tumor or epilepsy but if I did it would not change who I still am. What I DO have is a brain that wants control and is so very tired of trying to make everything "work".
Why am I putting this all out there? Because I didn't choose this and I certainly don't choose to have these seizures or anxiety. As a culture, we don't talk about our imperfections. We can talk about our diabetes or our cancer but we don't talk about our mental health. I'm not crazy or having a mental break down...my brain has created a pathway to function after constant months of continued over exertion and it happens to be seizures.
I have no idea how long this will last or if it will ever fully go away. Research says 20% of all seizures are this kind and with early diagnosis and therapy individuals have a good prognoses for overcoming. It's all about learning to manage.
If you happen to run into me on one of my rare out of the house adventures and you ask me questions I will do my best but please understand it is difficult for me, but I appreciate your concern for me. It warms my heart to know that people care.
So what am I doing? I am giving it up to God. I am tired of trying to make my life "happen". I love the quote from Jennie Allen in restless ..."for years I spent chasing uncatchable wind and built homes on sand until I finally notices, the wind never stops escaping us and the sand never stops shifting." After a life of chasing the wind I am going to stop running after it!
Instead of constant doing and going, I am learning what it means to rest. To really truly put my faith in him. I have taken baby steps and he has given me opportunities like in my marriage, blending a family, work and adoption. But now I have no choice. I am giving it to him. I'm not running anymore, I'm resting in HIM.
"come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest".