Dear Me {part 2}

Dear me,

You made it to junior high! Right now you are thinking how close you are to being a teen and saying goodbye to childhood.  You have a new freedom that comes with being 12, courtesy of course to - an awesome huffy bike! There will be tons of adventures to be had with this bike. 

I want you to know that red hair is not a curse. In fact a few years from now, you are going to love it- I promise.

This year you will discover a secret beach on the lake. This will be your place to go when you’re sad and when you just want to escape. It’s okay to take time for yourself and create a beautiful place full of hopes and dreams.  One day you will see the importance of taking a personal time out in your own spot.

This next part may be hard to hear but you need to know it. Every night you stare in front of the mirror praying to become that pretty popular girl. I see your tears and you’re hurt. Your trying so very hard to become “pretty”. But honey, it’s just not happening for you.  I'm sorry to say, you won’t ever be the popular girl or the pretty girl in class who gets picked for dances and sports. It will not happen.  But….

It’s okay because your YOU! God created you special and unique and has a breathtaking plan for you, just keep holding on. Soon you will find some girls that are awkward too. The three of you will create your own group and have way more fun than anyone else! These types of girls are real friends. Treasure them, even if you only have a short time together.

These real friends of yours are going to blast out some SWV and TLC {but remember- your still a white girl!} Your very first concert will be this year. That’s some pretty cool stuff, have a blast and while you’re at it- go take some singing lessons too!

 Don’t get caught up in boyfriends too fast.  Enjoy your time just pretending to be a rock star or a famous actress and playing doctor with all of your moms x-rays. Oh-and I see you in the bonus room. Stop dancing like that, those moves are NOT okay Missy!

ALWAYS keep a key to the house so you don’t have to spend two hours in the garage waiting to pee while your parents are still at work!

In case you didn’t get it earlier. The imagination you have is priceless.  You can still pretend and play- you don’t have to rush into makeup and boys. Enjoy being 12.

Save Mom and Dad money. Your glasses go on the nightstand, not on your pillow! 

Whatever you do- don’t fall for setting friends up to see if they have your back….don’t do it! It will end in tears and losing those real friends.

YOU ARE NOT FAT! Find an adult you can talk to about this. Don’t try to control your diet and your food. This is going to lead somewhere you will wish you didn’t go.

Let’s talk fashion a minute. A rose and thorn temporary tattoo is really cool for now but FYI- stop wearing them soon and by soon I mean before you turn 13. And the pantyhose under socks- you don’t tan-stop trying to fake a tan.

You will have your first “boyfriend” this year. It will last all of two weeks and you will be devastated (see earlier advice on setting people up). Learn from this and don’t invest too much time into boys. Instead keep dreaming and learning.

Prepare, the next few years are going to be really hard for you. There will be days of sadness and loneliness. Days where you will question why you exist. But I promise you one day it WILL get better. You are going to make an awesome adult! 

Sabotage

"Big Days are a reminder of what should have been but wasn’t, 

all that was lost, all that will never be..."

   - Jen Hatmaker 

This sums up what events are like in our house these days. We have come so far but the past will never fade away. Grief and pain and loss go so much deeper into the heart and influence days like Christmas.

I love the newest blog post by Jen Hatmaker: parenting-kiddos-who-sabotage-big-days where she explains the struggle with kids from hard places. She explains what wounded hearts look like and why they act the way they do. It is a must read not just for adoptive families but kiddos who have also dealt with divorce or loss. Seriously-read it- you may find out you as an adult are also a sabotager!

I am a self proclaimed traditionalist {seriously-just call me Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof}. I LOVE family traditions. Poor Gene when we were married- I told him straight up- we are going to celebrate holidays my way. You can throw a few things in {like football or stuffing} but all of my traditions are staying. Maybe its because we moved so much as a kid and it was just my parents? Maybe I am really a descendant of the real Santa Clause? Maybe I'm just a control freak who hates change- point is I'm a Traditionalist when it comes to holidays.







So last year I too tried to make Christmas the best possible thing imaginable last year.
                                                  
                                                     It started terribly. 

Christmas eve night he refused to write to Santa (because he hates to write/read around his older siblings who aren't ESL learners). He couldn't understand why he could not eat Santa's cookies and then when we opened our Christmas eve present- you would have thought we killed our dog and wrapped it up for him under the tree. He was mortified! This led to a 30 minute wailing and gnashing of teeth. He hated Christmas and Santa and Jesus. As a self proclaimed traditionalist {seriously-just call me Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof} I could not grasp why. We had talked and role played and went all K Perv! But we didn't really... I expected way to much from my sweet little boy.

 After cuddling and connecting {aka wrestling and tickles} we scooted under the tree and named every single present. We told him what was inside each one. For him, it was all about the unknown. He can't do surprises- its just to scary to hope, to scary to trust.

 We added the explanation of gifts again in the am, a change in tradition and I lowered my own  expectations of the day. Santa didn't get his letter and that was okay. We ate some of his cookies and had popcorn as an alternate. It was okay if we let him eat only rolls and mashed potatoes for Christmas dinner, he was not going to be forever damaged from one day of no veggies. We let him change out of his pj's when he wanted and even did a non-Christmas movie. {I know- that was a hard one!}

We ended well. 

                                          

This year- we have already had the No ipod/No tablet/no phone discussion every day as a reminder. And by every day I mean EVERY STINKING MORNING. And you can bet ya, this year we will make cookies and EAT them first. We broke down and had "The Santa Talk".  And yes- this year on Christmas eve we will be lying down under the tree- whispering what each present is to our little guy. He has to know and that's okay.

World AIDS Day

Today is World AIDS Day. 

                  (#worldaidsday)

I remember the big push in the late 80's to get tested and the scary adds of people with HIV/AIDS but that was really all I knew. Until 1996 when I fell in love with the musical RENT. This musical was fictitious but it represented many people who really were fighting for their lives. I had every note memorized and can still sing many of the lyrics to this beautiful piece. 

        

                                  

                                         (rent: Wikipedia) 

Flash forward to 2011 when I read the book "there is no me without you". This book walked through the HIV/AIDS epidemic and then focused in on the devastation this virus left in Ethiopia and other developing countries. 

This is one of the reasons Gene and I partner with AHOPE. http://www.ahopeforchildren.org. In the beginning HIV was a death sentence, families were ripped apart and children were left with out families. But then modern medicine caught up and now it is considered a "manageable disease" similar to diabetes. Many children that were once orphaned from HIV/AIDS are living healthy lives and their families are learning how to care for them. These children that were once thought to only live a short time have the same life expectancy as any one else! 

All because there are these amazing things called ARV's that help the body keep the virus in a hibernation like state. Their immune systems stay strong and keep the virus locked up. As long as medication is managed and regular medical care is checked the positive person is considered "undetectable". 

So with all these amazing changes, you know the one thing that hasn't changed? 

                                                               STIGMA

                                                            KNOWLEDGE 

                                                               SUPPORT 

Discrimination is still rampant. Lack of knowledge is still there. You can not get HIV from kissing, or sharing cups or toilet seats. The virus is fragile and it can only live outside the body for a very short time. 

There are three ways you can contract the virus. 

1. Birth/Breast feeding (positive mother to child) 

2. Sex 

3. IV drug use/blood transfusion

News flash- your not going to contract it unless you are: 

1.THE baby just born or THE breast feeding baby (I'm gonna guess your not)

2. You are having unprotected sex without you and your partner getting tested 

   (now that is just stupid and you will most likely end up with nasty som'in down  

    there and the added walk of shame in the am) 

 3. You are sharing random IV drug needles with random people injecting 

     yourself with illegal drugs (in which case you also need rehab) or have had a 

     botched blood transfusion (which is why there is all that blood testing when you 

     give blood). 

                                    

                                 

Note- I still would recommend using universal precautions whenever handling body fluids. This is just plain good practice and smart to protect yourself from a whole host of blood born yuckies! 

So what's the deal....why does it still exist? Because people are scared of getting tested. In other countries, because medical treatment is not readily available and the stigma is so great. Like the women we partner with at Noonday, once their status is known they are kicked out of their homes and ostracized. All because of stigma and access. Some individuals can access medication but most people in developing countries people don't know that HIV is treatable, they don't know how to access it, and they don't know how it helps. 

It is not okay with me that a person dies of a treatable disease simply because of lack of knowledge and a stigma. 

                                   Let's break down this barrier together! 

Want to learn more: 

AHOPE: http://www.ahopeforchildren.org 

https://www.crowdrise.com/ahopeforchildrenHoliday/fundraiser/genecollins

Worlds Aids Day: http://www.worldaidsday.org

CDC http://www.cdc.gov/actagainstaids

Local: http://www.apo-ozarks.org 

Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor-simply sharing what I have learned from educated resources :) 

Surrendering- an update

I told you back in the first part of October about my struggle with muscle spams/seizures and acknowledging that I have pushed too hard for too long. If you missed it you can read my blog pot here :SURRENDER

Well, here I am now in the end of November still learning more about resting in HIM. I wish I could say that I am “better” but I'm not. I have seen a few specialists and still receive treatment but my seizures are strong and are still occurring several times a week.  Church, work and large groups seem to make it worse. I try to explain it to people to think of my brain like a computer. When you open too many windows at once your computer gets overloaded and it crashes. When I have too many things going on {sounds,thoughts, things to be done} I crash and my crash is a seizure.

Some days I get down and I feel hopeless. I worry if this will ever go away or will I always have this. My life has changed pretty rapidly and I don't do or go to the same things I did before. I'm scared to go out and I'm afraid of having one in public. It is so embarrassing when it happens. For those of you who have happened to watch one, they are not pretty and ugh I am one sore girl! Most days though I try to remain optimistic. I know that whatever happens God has this. I am going to be okay. In the future I may have to make some life changes or I may not. Regardless, I am going to choose to trust HIM. After all, I could let doubt and fear rule my life but ain’t nobody got time foh dat!

Funny thing here. ..The one place I have not had a seizure is at a Noonday Show.  I really think that is because it is so passionate to me and the Lord allows me to use that as a way of sharing my love of fair trade and empowerment to others. I can’t do much but he is allowing me this one thing.

The more I learn about this struggle and my non-epileptic seizures the more I am astonished at the human brain and its capacity to re-generate. Like did you know that your brain creates a new pathway each time it forms a memory or that it has 100 billion nerve cells. How miraculous is it that God was able to knit together all these tiny synapses and neurotransmitters to send all the million messages back and forth all at once! Wow- that is like cray cray. 

We may not know what is going on inside my brain that causes it to “shut down” but I am going to choose to continue to be in awe of it all. 

         Until next time, 

                     Amanda 

Dear me...

I'm starting a blog series with what I wish I would have known. I think to much we look towards the future and forget the past. So here is the first one, written to the elementary age me.

Surrender

I'm laying it out there. Putting it all on the table. A no hold bars moment. 

                               

                                  (This is my 24+ hours of solo flying across the globe 

                                        but also my keepin' it real face) 

                                 

Many years I have wrestled with God for control. There is this deep instinct, this naturalistic desire within me to be in charge. I want control. I want to make the decisions and make my life fit into a nice little box where everything is in the right place. I want to make the rules and be the leader. Life should be what I want it to be, right? I work hard, I deserve it. 

The past few weeks have been brutal and eye opening at the same time. I spent several days in the hospital for muscle spasms/seizures and anxiety. My brain had basically had enough and when it gets overloaded or full it decided to shut off. It does this by sending messages to my body that cause convulsions/tremors aka seizures. No,  I don't have a tumor or epilepsy but if I did it would not change who I still am. What I DO have is a brain that wants control and is so very tired of trying to make everything "work". 

Why am I putting this all out there? Because I didn't choose this and I certainly don't choose to have these seizures or anxiety. As a culture, we don't talk about our imperfections. We can talk about our diabetes or our cancer but we don't talk about our mental health. I'm not crazy or having a mental break down...my brain has created a pathway to function after constant months of continued over exertion and it happens to be seizures. 

I have no idea how long this will last or if it will ever fully go away. Research says 20% of all seizures are this kind and with early diagnosis and therapy individuals have a good prognoses for overcoming. It's all about learning to manage. 

If you happen to run into me on one of my rare out of the house adventures and you ask me questions I will do my best but please understand it is difficult for me, but I appreciate your concern for me. It warms my heart to know that people care. 

So what am I doing? I am giving it up to God. I am tired of trying to make my life "happen". I love the quote from Jennie Allen in restless ..."for years I spent chasing uncatchable wind and built homes on sand until I finally notices, the wind never stops escaping us and the sand never stops shifting." After a life of chasing the wind I am going to stop running after it! 

                                                 

 

Instead of constant doing and going, I am learning what it means to rest. To really truly put my faith in him. I have taken baby steps and he has given me opportunities like in my marriage, blending a family, work and adoption. But now I have no choice. I am giving it to him. I'm not running anymore, I'm resting in HIM. 

Matthew 11:28-29 

           "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest".

Fall Styling Tips and my first ever Noonday Collection GIVEAWAY!!!

Hi there cyber world! 

Today I am jumping on the blogger train as part of the Noonday Fall  Release. During a blog train, various ambassadors get to share their favorites from the new fall line and YOU have the chance to enter to earn free Noonday!

  Each day a blog {or two} are posted and each blog has a giveaway!  Check out Marijoy Horton's blog and Erin Stark's blog for the previous days post.