Seeing the light

   It has been almost a month since I have blogged but it feels like a year. So much she happened and changed in this month and we are finally beginning to see the light. Earlier this month we had some dark days. Our new son was really struggling with change and safety and we were having raw emotions flowing daily. His heart was hurting and this came out in control battles. We felt that for each time we made a step forward he took three steps back. His pouting went back to melt downs that lasted for thirty minutes to an hour over the simplest things. During his melt downs we saw such raw anger and pain that hurt down to the very core of our being. A rage/grief that comes out in full on screaming, hitting/kicking, scratching himself, throwing things. In these times we held him for safety and continued to show him unconditional love. When he was able to calm down and regulate his emotions we would use our words to talk about how he felt and he always wanted to hug and validate our love for him. After a very long weekend of this repeated cycle hours at a time Gene and I took out our Created to Connect book and my counseling skills and dug deep into how to really meet his needs. 

We decided to go back to cocooning basics like we did on day one. We found ourselves instead of thinking of N as a "typical" 7/8 year old boy we continued to remind ourselves how much he has endured and how much transition he is going through so we instead approach him how you would have with a toddler which is where he is emotionally anyway. We only went to the essential places like school and home and an hour of church. We kept him close to us at all times rather then play on his own. We practiced taking turns with the other children and continued to role play and practice social skills and the house cleaning and blogging went to the waist side. We made it a week and a half before having another full fledged melt down. 

                                 

                              Even with the emotional struggle- who does not just want to scoop up 

                                             this little man and giggle along with him! 

        

So now we are creating a new norm. Gene and I take turns as much as. We can with social events and if it is an absolute that we all must go then we have some basic interventions to help him during this transition time. I can only imagine how scary it must be for him to be in a place he has never seen only comprehending maybe 20% ( if that) of what is being said, surrounded by people that don't look or sound like him not fully understanding what is going to happen and when he is going back home because he has no frame of reference for activities. 

Even with these tools he still struggles. We had meltdowns today and yesterday but even still, they were shorter and less aggressive. What we are experiencing is completely normal adoption related trauma and grief that will become less as time goes on. Doesnt make it any easier but I have always wanted to give a genuine and honest account of our journey. One day at a time, one step at a time...