Through out my little blogging excursions I have found how little people write about how changes in the family really affect the marriage. I can't just sit back and blog truthfully about this journey and provide support to others with out detailing our own journey, including our marriage. So sit down and leave judgement at the door folks.
We are love language people in our home (Don't know what I'm talking about-check it out here at Gary Chapman's Website) I am a time and touch kinda gal. (head out of the gutter people-touch as in physical contact not just hanky-panky) Gene on the other hand is a bit of acts of service/words of affirmation man. In other words-NOT RELATED. I want him to listen and touch me while he likes me to do things for him and say sweet things. My idea of a date is cuddling by a fire sharing our innermost feelings while his is me making a sandwich, bringing him a drink and telling him how awesome he is. See the difference!
And yet here we are love bugs 10 years ago...
When you add another child in the home (whether birth or adoption) the relationship goes on the back burner. You are so focused on taking care of this new person in the family you kinda forget the big person working along side of you. My need of time and touch has gone out the window as 1 we have no time and 2 the time he does have is spent loving on our children and managing all our small projects. So by bedtime Gene has been a human jungle gym and maintenance man for a few hours. The farthest thing from his mind is time and touch- he is ready for some peace and quiet alone. Meanwhile I spend the day providing words of affirmation to my students and regular acts of service to two teenagers (i.e.laundry, food, driving) while simultaneously entertaining, playing and cleaning up after the Little's that after bed time I'm done doing things for others. Which has led to our breakdown of the care and attention to our marriage.
For us, we have been so caught up in just simply meeting the individual needs of four children we ourselves have just stopped working on the marriage and that my friends is a dangerous place! When your not loving your partner thoughts of righteousness and pride get in the way. We (and by we I mean I) begin to judge the actions they make and the feelings of contempt and irritability start creeping on in.
We knew we needed an intervention. When the hanky- panky declines and is replaced by bitter thoughts (and in my case words) its time to push that relationship to #1. That meant it was time for an honest talk. Now let me ask you, why does it have to be so dang hard to share how you are feeling and what you need to your spouse? As a woman I think we play the F.I.N.E (Feelings Inside Not Expressed) game way to much! Our poor men cant tell what the heck we are thinking because we complain and then when the ask us whats wrong we do the whole "I'm FINE..." or the "Whatever-I don't care". Come on Ladies- know I'm not the only one here-right!?! We (I mean I) have to do a much better job at sharing my thoughts and feelings and actually speaking up when I need something. Believe it or not, men really can not read our minds. (Check out Ted Cunningham at Woodland Hills Family Church for his videos on Great Parents-Lousy Lover)
Anyway-back to the pushing to #1...
I called in Operation- Date Night. Just what a marriage needs for a little mini rejuvenation and attention. Since we are still working on our bonding and attachment we had dinner all ready and reviewed our plan with the new little one about 10 times. My parents came to the house to watch the kids so we didn't disrupt the routine too much and they could go to bed when we were gone.
We had the typical rural town date night- dinner and a movie. We went all out and Geno took me to Wendy's (I know- we splurged- I even made it a large-this is what happens when God makes you think about where your money goes) then we saw a movie. What got me was in the middle of our dinner I was sitting across from Gene having a normal conversation starting into his eyes and felt completely at peace and loved. This man was listening and actually cared about my gibber jabber. I don't think we had been able to have a full conversation about nothing in particular in 5 months just the two of us with out being completely exhausted.
I hope that whatever stage you are in your marriage that you are putting time and commitment into it. Life is tough and life as a single parent is even harder. Make time for your spouse and show them a little love! Marriage is work and only grows through daily sacrifice and commitment. In my blog excursion my rockin' fellow adoptive mom at BecomingMichelle is doing a 31 days of my marriage and has partnered with an awesome couple Tony and Michelle on their blog #stay married. Follow their blogs for further insight into marriage and some awesome note cards (I may have a specific one up on a door night now waiting for a special someone-try to guess which one it is- its in the shape of a donkey...hopefully words of forgiveness fall under affirmation!)
We are love language people in our home (Don't know what I'm talking about-check it out here at Gary Chapman's Website) I am a time and touch kinda gal. (head out of the gutter people-touch as in physical contact not just hanky-panky) Gene on the other hand is a bit of acts of service/words of affirmation man. In other words-NOT RELATED. I want him to listen and touch me while he likes me to do things for him and say sweet things. My idea of a date is cuddling by a fire sharing our innermost feelings while his is me making a sandwich, bringing him a drink and telling him how awesome he is. See the difference! And yet here we are love bugs 10 years ago...
When you add another child in the home (whether birth or adoption) the relationship goes on the back burner. You are so focused on taking care of this new person in the family you kinda forget the big person working along side of you. My need of time and touch has gone out the window as 1 we have no time and 2 the time he does have is spent loving on our children and managing all our small projects. So by bedtime Gene has been a human jungle gym and maintenance man for a few hours. The farthest thing from his mind is time and touch- he is ready for some peace and quiet alone. Meanwhile I spend the day providing words of affirmation to my students and regular acts of service to two teenagers (i.e.laundry, food, driving) while simultaneously entertaining, playing and cleaning up after the Little's that after bed time I'm done doing things for others. Which has led to our breakdown of the care and attention to our marriage.
For us, we have been so caught up in just simply meeting the individual needs of four children we ourselves have just stopped working on the marriage and that my friends is a dangerous place! When your not loving your partner thoughts of righteousness and pride get in the way. We (and by we I mean I) begin to judge the actions they make and the feelings of contempt and irritability start creeping on in.
We knew we needed an intervention. When the hanky- panky declines and is replaced by bitter thoughts (and in my case words) its time to push that relationship to #1. That meant it was time for an honest talk. Now let me ask you, why does it have to be so dang hard to share how you are feeling and what you need to your spouse? As a woman I think we play the F.I.N.E (Feelings Inside Not Expressed) game way to much! Our poor men cant tell what the heck we are thinking because we complain and then when the ask us whats wrong we do the whole "I'm FINE..." or the "Whatever-I don't care". Come on Ladies- know I'm not the only one here-right!?! We (I mean I) have to do a much better job at sharing my thoughts and feelings and actually speaking up when I need something. Believe it or not, men really can not read our minds. (Check out Ted Cunningham at Woodland Hills Family Church for his videos on Great Parents-Lousy Lover)
Anyway-back to the pushing to #1...
I called in Operation- Date Night. Just what a marriage needs for a little mini rejuvenation and attention. Since we are still working on our bonding and attachment we had dinner all ready and reviewed our plan with the new little one about 10 times. My parents came to the house to watch the kids so we didn't disrupt the routine too much and they could go to bed when we were gone.
We had the typical rural town date night- dinner and a movie. We went all out and Geno took me to Wendy's (I know- we splurged- I even made it a large-this is what happens when God makes you think about where your money goes) then we saw a movie. What got me was in the middle of our dinner I was sitting across from Gene having a normal conversation starting into his eyes and felt completely at peace and loved. This man was listening and actually cared about my gibber jabber. I don't think we had been able to have a full conversation about nothing in particular in 5 months just the two of us with out being completely exhausted.
I hope that whatever stage you are in your marriage that you are putting time and commitment into it. Life is tough and life as a single parent is even harder. Make time for your spouse and show them a little love! Marriage is work and only grows through daily sacrifice and commitment. In my blog excursion my rockin' fellow adoptive mom at BecomingMichelle is doing a 31 days of my marriage and has partnered with an awesome couple Tony and Michelle on their blog #stay married. Follow their blogs for further insight into marriage and some awesome note cards (I may have a specific one up on a door night now waiting for a special someone-try to guess which one it is- its in the shape of a donkey...hopefully words of forgiveness fall under affirmation!)
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